My Views on Gay Marriage

I tend to overreact. Someone cuts me off in traffic. Do I give them a helpful gesture through the windshield? No. I’m plotting in my head the most expedient fashion by which to exterminate their entire bloodline from the earth. McDonald’s didn’t give me a hash brown with my Egg McMuffin. Do I pull back around and wait in the drive-through? No. I drive my car through the front of the store, up to the front counter, and demand service. The electric company reads my meter wrong and is threatening to send me to collections if I don’t pay the extra $25 on my last bill. Do I call customer service? No. I refuse to pay – in fact, I create an elaborate plan to have all of my cash and belongings brought to my home in the event of my death and have it all torched so that, not even when I die can they collect the $25 from my smoldering remains of my estate. So, actually, to say I overreact would be an understatement.

That’s why I was so proud of myself for my near saint-like behavior a few years ago during a visit to my local apothecary. It was just after that year’s election, and I was listening to a piece on NPR on the passage of Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage in California. It put me in a foul mood. As I pulled into the parking lot and began looking for a place to park, what did mine eyes behold? A beautiful, gleaming Lexus quite unceremoniously parked across two parking spaces right in front of the store entrance.

I parked my car, got out and examined the offending vehicle. You might have expected me to drag a key across the driver’s door, or shoot out the tires, or concoct a diabolical scheme whereby an international courier towed the car to a barge and shipped it to Siberia – but I did none of these. I looked at the car, and I came to a truly profound realization. A calm came over me. I shopped and departed.

The prevalence of homosexuality behavior across the heterosexual-homosexual continuum is debatable, as is the number of men and women who identify themselves as having an exclusively homosexual orientation – recent studies indicate a range between 2%-7% of the population. Even using the conservative estimate, on a planet of six billion souls, this represents 120 million people in the world, and approximately 6 million in the United States alone. This is a remarkably large minority having their fates decided by an often unsympathetic majority.

Traditional conservative (and in the West, predominantly Christian) ideology dictates that homosexuality is an affront to God and a sin; that homosexuality is a choice, and that gay people just aren’t “putting their shoulder into it” when it comes to being straight; and that allowing gay couples to marry waters down the sanctity of the institution of marriage, thus invalidating “real” marriages between one man and one woman.

The traditional liberal viewpoint meanwhile, emphasizes that, if God created humanity, He placed homosexuality in it as part of the world and the natural order to which it adheres; that homosexuality exists a natural, predetermined (and some would even argue, genetic) imperative in each person; and that, as human beings, homosexuals ought to be afforded the same societal rights and privileges as anyone else, free of prejudice.

As one might guess, I wholeheartedly embrace the liberal viewpoint on homosexuality, and by extension, gay marriage. I believe that homosexuality, while not the norm, is still natural. I believe that gays have about as much ability to “decide” to be straight as I have to “decide” to be gay. And more than anything, I believe that we as a nation and as a species, decades or maybe centuries from now, will look back on our predecessors with the same awestruck shame as we do those who championed slavery. Some people believe that God hates gays. I believe that God hates hate.

Why is there so much intolerance and hate for the gay community? Why are there people who seek to codify bigotry (the Federal Marriage Amendment) into the highest law of our land? The question can be answered with one word: ignorance. There are many in this country whose lives don’t extend beyond the boundaries of their small towns. They are fed false information through their media and entertainment and they accept it as truth. They believe what the Rush Limbaughs, Bill O’Riellys and Billy Grahams of the world tell them: that homosexuality is a scourge, that they seek to undermine your marriage, recruit your children, and usher in some age of decadence for which we’ll all end up going to hell.

Liberal politics, and by extension, support for gay marriage thrives in large cities and college towns. Why? It is because education and experience are the enemies of bigotry. College campuses are regarded as hotbeds for liberals. Seattle, Baltimore, San Francisco, New Haven – these metropolitan areas are notorious liberal strongholds, and ones where you’re much more likely to work, live next door to, or share your favorite watering hole with a gay person.

The resident of rural or small town America fears what he does not know or understand (gays). Meanwhile, residents of big cities (who can see and understand the gay community, and even know and are friends with gay people) have no fear, and therefore, no such bigotry.

The whole scenario reminds me of the short story Guests of the Nation by Frank O’Connor. In the story, which takes place during the Irish War of Independence, two Irish Republican Army soldiers get to know and befriend two English prisoners in their care. Later, when ordered to execute the prisoners, their hearts and minds rebel. Why? Because, knowing their enemies – their hopes, fears, triumphs and tribulations, and discovering that they are, if nothing else, more alike than different – made it impossible to demonize them.

How do we solve this nationwide dilemma? We take a barometer of anti-gay sentiment in the nation, find the most egregious offenders, and create something akin to a foreign exchange student program. The main difference: instead of students, they’re gay men and women. They pack their bags, bid their lives farewell for a year or so, and shack up with a virulently anti-homosexual family. But in this exercise, the foreign visitor would not be the student – they would be the teacher. After a year of getting to know this gay person, and being forced to put a human face on someone that they would have otherwise merely labeled, maybe they would change. (This is a satirical suggestion, of course, but tell me it wouldn’t work.)

Let’s return to the parking lot at Walgreens for a moment. As I looked at that gorgeous car, parked so arrogantly and seemingly without regard for anyone else, a thought occurred to me. I don’t know the person who this car belongs to. I know nothing about them. Perhaps it was just another obtuse, suit and tie-wearing, Lexus-driving, six figure-earning piece of alpha-male flotsam with no regard for the yellow lines that separate us from animals.

Or, perhaps it wasn’t. Maybe it was a woman. Maybe she just finished up a year-long stint watching her five-year old son die of some sort of rare cancer. And maybe she just came back from the funeral home after picking out his little casket. And maybe she had to stop at Walgreens to pick up her Valium, in the hopes that something might offer her a moment’s respite from the horrifying, soul-annihilating pain she’s feeling, and she couldn’t see the yellow lines of the parking spaces through her tears.

Maybe that’s who that Lexus belonged to. She doesn’t deserve to have her car keyed. So I didn’t do it.

I’m going to take a guess that most gay people in California voted against Proposition 8 – that is to say, they were in favor of gay marriage. And I’m going to guess that most people in California who could put a human face on the gay community because of a friend, loved one, coworker, or anyone else that they are close to voted against it as well. And finally, I’m going to guess that most people that voted for it – who are against gay marriage – have had little or no meaningful contact with a gay person in their lives.

It’s that last group of people – they’re keying the car. They don’t even know the people they’re victimizing and marginalizing. They just see the Lexus parked across two spaces, make an assumption, and drag their key across. Would they have done it if they had known? If they could hear the stories and see the love between the people they were denying this privilege – would they still pull out their keys? If every person in this world had a son, daughter, brother, sister, mother, father or beloved friend that was gay – would they still do as they had done? I hope the answer is no – and I further hope that one day my hope becomes a certainty.

I know I’ve made a lot of broad generalizations here. There are conservatives who support gay marriage, and liberals who take the staunch position that homosexuality is a grave sin. Some people are flat-out homophobic fascists, some people embrace every aspect of homosexuality, and some people lie in between. The way I see the world is not necessarily the way things actually are in the world. But the way I first saw that Lexus is not necessarily the way things are, either.

All that being said… if you’d like me to officiate your gay commitment ceremony, please contact me.

I tend to overreact. Someone cuts me off in traffic. Do I give them a helpful gesturethrough the windshield? No. I’m plotting in my head the most expedient fashion by which toexterminate their entire bloodline from the earth. McDonald’s didn’t give me a hash brown with

my Egg McMuffin. Do I pull back around and wait in the drive-through? No. I drive my car

through the front of the store, up to the front counter, and demand service. The electric company

reads my meter wrong and is threatening to send me to collections if I don’t pay the extra $25 on

my last bill. Do I call customer service? No. I refuse to pay – in fact, I create an elaborate plan to

have all of my cash and belongings brought to my home in the event of my death and have it all

torched so that, not even when I die can they collect the $25 from my smoldering remains of my

estate. So, actually, to say I overreact would be an understatement.

That’s why I was so proud of myself for my near saint-like behavior during a visit to my

local apothecary this past November. It was just after the election, and I was listening to a piece

on National Public Radio about the defeat of Proposition 8 (the proposed ban on gay marriage in

California) that had just been passed. It put me in a foul mood. As I pulled into the parking lot

and began looking for a place to park, what did mine eyes behold? A beautiful, gleaming Lexus

quite unceremoniously parked across two parking spaces right in front of the store entrance.

I parked my car, got out and examined the offending vehicle. You might have expected

me to drag a key across the driver’s door, or shoot out the tires, or concoct a diabolical scheme

whereby an international courier towed the car to a barge and shipped it to Siberia – but I did

none of these. I looked at the car, and I came to a truly profound realization. A calm came over

me. I did my shopping and I left. That realization is the basis for this position paper. The topic of

this paper is, in fact, gay marriage, and my position is emphatically in favor of it.

The prevalence of homosexuality behavior across the heterosexual-homosexual

continuum is debatable, as is the number of men and women who identify themselves as having

an exclusively homosexual orientation – recent studies indicate a range between 2%-7% of the

population (ACSF Investigators, 1992). Even using the conservative estimate, on a planet of six

billion souls, this represents 120 million people in the world, and approximately 6 million in the

United States alone. This is a remarkably large minority having their fates decided by an often

unsympathetic majority.

Traditional conservative (and in the West, predominantly Christian) ideology dictates

that homosexuality is an affront to God and a sin; that homosexuality is a choice, and that gay

people just aren’t “putting their shoulder into it” when it comes to being straight; and that

allowing gay couples to marry waters down the sanctity of the institution of marriage, thus

invalidating “real” marriages between one and one woman.

The traditional liberal viewpoint meanwhile, emphasizes that, if God created humanity,

He placed homosexuality in it as part of the world and the natural order to which it adheres; that

homosexuality exists a natural, predetermined (and some would even argue, genetic) imperative

in each person; and that, as human beings, homosexuals ought to be afforded the same societal

rights and privileges as anyone else, free of prejudice.

As one might guess, I wholeheartedly embrace the liberal viewpoint on homosexuality,

and by extension, gay marriage. I believe that homosexuality, while not the norm, is still natural.

I believe that gays have about as much ability to “decide” to be gay as I have to “decide” to be

straight. And more than anything, I believe that we as a nation and as a species, decades or

maybe centuries from now, will look back on our predecessors with the same awestruck shame as

we do those who championed slavery. Some people believe that God hates gays. I believe that

God hates hate.

Why is there so much intolerance and hate for the gay community? Why are there people

who seek to codify bigotry (the Federal Marriage Amendment) into the highest law of our land?

The question can be answered with one word: ignorance. There are many in this country whose

lives don’t extend beyond the boundaries of their small towns. They are fed false information

through their media and entertainment and they accept it as truth. They believe what the Rush

Limbaughs, Bill O’Riellys and Billy Grahams of the world tell them: that homosexuality is a

scourge, that they seek to undermine your marriage, recruit your children, and usher in some age

of decadence for which we’ll all end up going to hell.

Liberal politics, and by extension, support for gay marriage thrives in large cities and

college towns (“Most liberal places in America”, 2004). Why? It is because education and

experience are the enemies of bigotry. College campuses are regarded as hotbeds for liberals.

Seattle, Baltimore, San Francisco, New Haven – these huge metropolitan areas are notorious

liberal strongholds, and ones where you’re much more likely to work, live next door to, or share

your favorite watering hole with a gay person.

The resident of rural or small town America fears what he does not know or understand

(gays). Meanwhile, residents of big cities (who can see and understand the gay community, and

even know and are friends with gay people) have no fear, and therefore, no such bigotry.

It’s just like the short story Guests of the Nation. As Bonaparte and Noble get to know

Hawkins and Belcher, the enemy prisoners in their care, executing them becomes problematic

and fraught with emotion (O’Connor, 1931). Why? Because, knowing their enemies – their

hopes, fears, triumphs and tribulations, and discovering that they are, if nothing else, more alike

than different – makes it impossible to demonize them.

How do we solve it? We take a barometer of anti-gay sentiment in the nation, find the

most egregious offenders, and create something akin to a foreign exchange student program. The

main difference: instead of students, they’re gay men and women. They pack their bags, bid their

lives farewell for a year or so, and shack up with a virulently anti-homosexual family. But in this

exercise, the foreign visitor would not be the student – they would be the teacher. After a year of

getting to know this gay person, and being forced to put a human face on someone that they

would have otherwise merely labeled, maybe they would change.

Let’s return to the parking lot at Walgreens for a moment. As I looked at that gorgeous

car, parked so arrogantly and seemingly without regard for anyone else, a thought occurred to

me. I don’t know the person who this car belongs to. I know nothing about them. Perhaps it was

just another obtuse, suit and tie-wearing, Lexus-driving, six figure-earning piece of alpha-male

flotsam with no regard for the yellow lines that separate us from animals.

Or, perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps it was a woman. Maybe she just finished up a few month

stint watching her five-year old son die of some sort of rare cancer. And maybe she just came

back from the funeral home after picking out his little casket. And maybe she had to stop at

Walgreens to pick up her valium, in the hopes that something might offer her a moment’s respite

from the diabolical, soul-annihilating pain she’s feeling, and she couldn’t see the yellow lines of

the parking spaces through her tears.

Maybe that’s who that Lexus belonged to. She doesn’t deserve to have her car keyed. So I

didn’t do it.

I’m going to take a guess that most gay people in California voted against Proposition 8 –

that is to say, they were in favor of gay marriage. And I’m going to guess that most people in

California who could put a human face on the gay community because of a friend, loved one,

coworker, or anyone else that they are close to voted against it as well. And finally, I’m going to

guess that most people that voted against it have had little or no meaningful contact with a gay

person in their lives.

It’s that last group of people – they’re keying the car. They don’t even know the people

they’re victimizing and marginalizing! They just saw the Lexus parked across two spaces, made

an assumption, and dragged the key across. Would they have done it if they had known? If they

could hear the stories and see the love between the people they were denying – would they still

pull out their keys? If every person in this world had a son, daughter, brother, sister, mother,

father or beloved friend that was gay – would they still do as they had done? Every day I

fervently pray that the answer to these questions is no – for if the answer is yes, then we are not

fit to inhabit the world and live the lives that God has given us.

I know I’ve made a lot of broad generalizations here. There are conservatives who

support gay marriage, and liberals who take the staunch position that homosexuality is a grave

sin. Some people are flat-out homophobic fascists, some people embrace every aspect of

homosexuality, and some people lie in between. The way I see the world is not necessarily the

way things actually are in the world. But the way I first saw that Lexus is not necessarily the way

things are, either.